question1

During our marriage whenever I would do something that Paul did not approve of he would always say to me, “Joanie, have you lost your mind?”  This was Paul’s proverbial question that he was always asking me.

Like he expected me to answer, “Yes Paul – I have lost my mind.  Can you help me find it?”

“Well, Joanie, where do you think you left it.”

“I don’t remember.”

“Joanie, do you know what your problem is?”

“Yes, I’ve lost my mind.”

“The problem with you is that you suffer from delusions of grandeur.  You think that you’re funny and that you’re a writer.  I hate to break it to you, but you’re not funny and you’re not a writer.”

“I write a blog and my readers think that I’m funny.”

“You see, there you go again with your delusions of grandeur, thinking that you write a blog.”

“Oh no, Paul, I really do write a blog and my readers despise you.”

“Despise me?  First of all you have no readers.  That’s just a figment of your imagination.  And if you really had readers how could they possible despise me when they don’t even know me?”

“They know you through my writing.”

“Oh, that’s just great – how can they know me when you can’t even write.”

“But I can write!  All my readers keep complimenting me on my writing.”

“They compliment you on your writing and they despise me?  I don’t believe a word that you are saying.  Who exactly likes your writing and despises me?”

“The Redhead Riter sent me a comment.”

“Who is The Redhead Riter?  No, on second thought don’t tell me.  She’s just another figment of your imagination.”

“Oh no, Paul, The Redhead Riter is very real.  She has over six thousand people following her in her community.”

“Joanie, now I know you are totally delusional.  Nobody who has over six thousands followers is going to be following you.”

“Well, I can prove to you she reads my blog, because she left me a comment on a post that I wrote.  Here’s the comment.

Paul starts reading aloud The Redhead Riter’s comment on my computer screen:

Vindication.

What is it about SO MANY MEN that lead them to believe women can’t do anything without their assistance?  It is truly mind-boggling.  We can do absolutely everything a man can do except for contribute one small sperm into the mix.  That’s it.  One sperm.  I would dare say that reality is the opposite of what men believe…Men cannot live without us.  In fact, none of the men would have been born without women!!!!!

Marriage?  It is overrated LOL.  If the man doesn’t drive up in a Rolls Royce or ride in on a White Stallion fighting dragons, I say just wait.

Don’t settle.

As far as being overweight…I don’t care if you weigh 500 pounds because you are fabulously interesting.  Best of all, you make me laugh and that is a priceless gift.  Besides, who said being overweight makes a person unlovable? Your ex is a pompous, arrogant prick.  I hope his thyroid messes up and he gains 100 pounds in 3 months and his current wife leaves him for the fitness trainer at the gym.

Obviously, I like to be able to pick the vengeance.  Just another of my faults.

So does Paul read your blog?  Can I tell him that marrying a woman when you don’t really love her and then not cherishing her is evil?  I don’t know if you believe in God, but I’m sure he knows every tear Joan cried because of you. I’m glad I’m not you Paul.

I’m so glad to have gotten to know you on the internet.  I hope some day we can meet in person.  **Mwah on the cheek** and {{{hugggsss}}} to you Joan!!!

Paul stops reading and looks at me.  “The Redhead Riter doesn’t even know me and she called me a pompous, arrogant prick.  Are you serious that she has over six thousand followers?”

“Probably more.”

“Joanie, I hope you wrote a reply defending me.”

“I did write a reply.”

“Let me read it.”

“Paul, why this sudden interest in my writing?  You’ve never been interested in reading anything that I wrote.”

“I just want to see how you answered her.”

“Well okay, if you insist.”

Of course this whole thing is all an imaginary conversation in my mind — except for the fact that The Redhead Riter really did write that comment to a post I had written called A Very Resilient Woman.  But I am enjoying my imaginary conversation with Paul so much that I decide to continue on with it.

I scroll down on my computer screen to my reply.  “Here Paul, you can read my reply.”

Paul bends down to read it.  His head is so close to mine that I can practically smell him.”

“Paul . . .”

“What?”

“Would you like to make love to me?”

“Joanie, have you lost your mind?  I’m a married man!  Are you asking me to cheat on my wife?”

“Well, you cheated on me with her — I think it’s only befitting that you cheat on her with me.”

“I’m not going to cheat on my wife with you.”

“Well, okay — if you don’t want to make love to me, you can read my reply instead.”

Paul starts to read aloud:

Redhead Riter, you said, “We can do absolutely everything a man can do except for contribute one small sperm into the mix.  That’s it.  One sperm.”  I have to say I agree with you.

Speaking about sperm, when I wanted to have a second child and couldn’t conceive my infertility doctor told me the reason I could not become pregnant was that my body was allergic to Paul’s sperm and I was rejecting it!  Ahhh, the wisdom of the body!

And you made me feel so good when you said,  “As far as being overweight…I don’t care if you weigh 500 pounds.”  Well, I felt like a skinny ninny after reading that remark because I do not weigh anywhere near 500 pounds.

Redhead Riter, thank you for all the love you sent my way.  Please do come back and visit my blog again.

Paul stops reading and looks at me.  He asks me the proverbial question.  “Have you lost your mind?  What type of an answer is this?  The Redhead Riter bad mouths me and all you can come up with is that you are allergic to my sperm?  Do you know how much alimony I have paid you over the last ten years? Joanie, I expected a little more loyalty from you.”

“Paul, I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to come up with anything better to defend you – but what can I tell you?  I’ve lost my mind.”

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WonderWomanV5

It’s been three months since I last blogged and no one has e-mailed me and said, “Joan, what has happened to you?  Have you abandoned your blog?”

Well, my feelings are beyond hurt that nobody has missed me – but I’ll get over it, because if there’s one thing I am it’s a very resilient woman.  In fact, I’ll tell you how resilient I am.  When Paul — you all remember Paul, don’t you?  My ex-husband.  When Paul told me he was leaving me for another woman he must have had a little guilt, because he wanted to offer me some parting words of advice.

“Joanie, if I were you . . .” Paul began.  Immediately I knew that his advice was going to stink, because Paul was not me – nor would he ever be me.  So how could he think that I would take anything he said seriously?  Well, wait a second, I did take the fact that he was leaving me for another woman seriously.

I remember crying when he told me the news.  But not for the reason you may think.  I was crying because I realized that my husband actually had a sex drive.   You see, for the last years of our marriage when Paul never reached for me sexually – I thought that the reason he wasn’t reaching for me was because he had no sex drive.

So I was crying because I found out my husband DID HAVE A SEX DRIVE!  And I was feeling sorry for myself for all the nights I had spent having an affair with Sammy-the-refrigerator bingeing my brains out — when I could have been having a grand old time in bed with my spouse.

“Yes, Paul, tell me what you would tell me if you were me?”

“I would tell you to lose weight.”

“Really Paul, is that the best advice you have for me?”

“You’re going to have to lose weight to attract a man.”

“Why would I want to attract a man?”

“To get married again.”

“Do you actually think I would ever want to marry again?”

“Well, yes — how are you going to survive without a man to take care of you?”

“You think I’m incapable of taking care of myself?”

“Joanie, you were once a very beautiful girl — and you could still attract a man if you lost your weight.”

Notice how tactfully Paul dodged the issue of me being able to survive without a man taking care of me – and then the rub, I was once a very beautiful girl.   Well, as Paul knew I was no longer a girl.  Never again would I be a young girl with stars in her eyes who dreamt about happily ever after.  Those days were gone forever.  I was about to become just another middle-aged statistic – an overweight woman whose husband had dumped her for another woman.

“You’re not a terrible person,” Paul said, “if you would just get over this crazy obsession that you have about being a writer.”

“I’m going to make it.”

“There you go again refusing to accept reality.  There are a thousand writers out there who are better writers than you.”

“Says who?”

“Says me!  Now stop being stubborn and listen.  You have a nice personality — and you love cats and dogs.  Surely there must be some guy out there who could fall in love with you.”

“Why would another man fall in love with me when you never did?’

Paul had no answer.

“Do you love her?”

“I like her very much.”

“But do you love her?  Tell me you love her and that’s why you’re breaking up our family.”

“I like her and she’s deeply in love with me.”

“I don’t care what she feels for you – I want to know what you feel for her.”

“We get along swell.”

“Well we have a child together – isn’t that swell?”

Paul remained silent.  Finally he said, “You need to lose your weight.”

“Oh yes, the weight again!  Do you know how long I waited for you to love me Paul – before I turned to food for love?”

“Are you trying to blame me for your being fat?”

“I’m not blaming you for anything.”

“You need to lose the weight, because you’ll never be able to survive without having a man take care of you.”

But Paul was wrong.  It has been ten years since we divorced and I did not have to look for another man to take care of me.  As I said – I’m a very resilient woman.

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