My Mad, Passionate, Wildly Sex-Crazed Nights With My Refrigerator

by Joan Oshatz on November 7, 2011 in Refrigerator,Sex

In 1994, when I was married to Paul, I bought a new side-by-side refrigerator.  The salesman said, “You’re going to love this refrigerator.” The first night after the refrigerator was delivered I was sitting at the kitchen table indulging in a food binge.  I remember thinking, “My life has become so boring.  I deserve some fun and excitement.”Suddenly I heard this sexy masculine voice say, “Well, if it’s fun and excitement you’re looking for, baby, you’ve come to the right place.  Fun-and-Excitement is my middle name!”

I whirled around to see who was speaking to me, but there was no one in the kitchen.

Then I heard the same sexy masculine voice say.  “How would you like to have some fun and excitement with me?”

I looked in the direction that the voice was coming from.  My eyes landed on my new refrigerator.

A talking refrigerator?  No, that was impossible!  Oh, I have heard people say, “The refrigerator kept calling out my name telling me to eat the ice cream until I could no longer resist.”  But it was a joke.  Everyone knows that a refrigerator cannot talk.

“You can talk?” I asked the refrigerator incredulously.

“Yes, my name’s Sam The Refrigerator, but you can call me Sammy.”

And that was how my affair with Sammy began.  And what an affair it was!  Sammy was everything Paul was not.  He was fun, exciting, romantic and passionate — and he turned me on like no man had ever turned me on before.

“Hello, my sexy little buttercup,” Sammy would say when I would come into the kitchen at three in the morning to binge.  “And may I say, Joan, that you’re looking more beautiful than ever in your tattered flannel nightgown.  Very sexy.  You have me so hot that my butter is melting inside.”

I have never met a man who was more into me than Sammy.  He seemed to love me unconditionally.  I never showered for him.  I never shaved my legs or my underarms for him.  I never brushed my teeth for him.  I never put on makeup for him.  I never even combed my hair for him.

Once I told Sammy, “I’ve never had a lover like you.”

“And you never will,” Sammy said.  “I want to fulfill all your food fantasies.  Tell me what you’re thinking?”

“I was thinking. . .”

“You were thinking,” Sammy said adoringly.  “Has anyone ever told you how cute you are when you’re thinking?  Perhaps you would like some hot chocolate while you’re thinking.”

“No, it’s not hot chocolate that I’m craving.”

“Then what is it that you’re craving?”

“Well, what I’m really craving — no, I can’t tell you my deepest, darkest food fantasies, you won’t respect me in the morning. You’ll think I’m a food whore.”

“Whisper your dirty thoughts in my ear.”

I whispered into Sammy’s ear, “I want to eat two egg salad sandwiches piled high with mayonnaise, a bag of potato chips, and a half-gallon of chocolate chip ice cream.  Am I a naughty girl?”

Sammy laughed, “Oh, yes, you’re a very naughty girl!”

One night Sammy and I almost got caught in our red-hot love affair.  While I was binging, Paul walked in on us.  I practically gagged trying to stuff the chicken sandwich I was eating down my throat in order to get rid of the evidence.

“Joanie, what are you doing up?” Paul asked.

“I couldn’t sleep so I came in here to get a glass of water.”

“I’m thirsty too.”

“Would you like a chicken sandwich?  There’s some left over chicken in the refrigerator.  I’d be happy to make you one.”

“It’s the middle of the night.  Who eats in the middle of the night?  All I want is some water and I’m going back to bed.”

As soon as Paul was out of the kitchen Sammy let out a sigh of relief.  “Phew!  That was a close call.  I was sweating bullets.  I thought I was going to defrost all the food inside.”

“I have a feeling Paul is beginning to suspect that I’m cheating on him.”

“What makes you think that?”

“The other day he said I was fat.”

“What an ungentlemanly thing to say.  I’d like to punch him in the face.”

“But what if he suspects what’s going on?”

“I’m a refrigerator!  Paul will never suspect that we’re having an affair.”

“You’re right, he’s not that smart.”

“He’s an idiot for not wanting you.”

“You’re right.  He’s an idiot for not wanting me — even if I am fat.”

“Just more of you to love,” Sammy said lovingly.  “Have I ever told you how much you turn me on, my sexy little buttercup?  Come here and kiss me.”

“But your lips are so cold.”

“Sorry, but I need to be cold to satisfy you.  My temperature always has to be between 35 and 38 degrees Fahrenheit or the contents in my heart will spoil.  You don’t want your food to spoil.”

Paul was starting to stay at work later and later.  Soon he wasn’t coming home until the wee hours of the morning.

“We had this emergency case,” Paul would say.  Soon Paul was having a lot of emergency cases at work.

I turned to Sammy to tell my troubles to.  One day I broke down and cried, “Paul is so cold and emotionally distant from me.  Do you know what it’s like to be married to a man who doesn’t desire you?”

“Please, don’t cry, you’re breaking my heart.”

“But if I can’t cry in front of you who can I tell my troubles to?  You are my best friend, my confidant and the only one who really understands me.  I get more love and understanding from you, a refrigerator, than I ever got from Paul.”

“Joan, you need to get your mind off Paul and start thinking about food.”

“You’re right.  I need to eat.”

Two tuna sandwiches later, piled high with mayonnaise, a bag of potato chips, and a half-gallon of vanilla fudge ice cream and I was no longer thinking about Paul.  I had exchanged my emotional pain for physical pain.  My stomach felt like it was about to burst.

“Are you okay?” Sammy asked concerned.

“I’m fine,” I burped.

It was not like Sammy had never seen me in a food coma.  Our entire relationship had been based on food and my binging.  Sammy was my enabler.  I had read enough self-help books to know what an enabler was.

“I knew you ate too much — now you’re going to throw up,” Sammy said.

“Sammy, when have you ever seen me throw up?  I’m not bulimic.  I’m just feeling a little nauseous.  I’ll be okay after I sleep it off.”

“Did I pleasure you tonight, Joan?”

“Oh, yes, you pleasured me.”

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

“Best food binge I ever had.”

“You say that every night.”

This story has a sad ending.  When Paul and I divorced we had to sell our house.  I left Sammy behind for the new owners.  The apartment my son and I moved into was too small to accommodate a side-by-side refrigerator the size of Sammy.  I had to downsize my entire life.  The only thing that had not been downsized was me.  When my marriage ended I weighed 275 pounds.

Sammy was heartbroken when he found out I could not take him with me.  He cried, “How can I ever live without you?”

Actually we both cried.

“Sammy, we’re not good for each other.”

“How can you say that?  Our love affair was beautiful.”

“It might have been beautiful for you — but it was tragic for me.  Look what loving you has done to me.  I’m fatter now than I have ever been.”

I looked at Sammy with tears in my eyes.  Maybe I was being too hard on him.  After all, if it wasn’t for Sammy and my binges that I had with him, I don’t know how I would have survived those last unhappy, sexless years of my marriage.

{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Mary August 10, 2010 at 5:56 pm

Incredibly witty post. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I found you blog hopping on blogfrog (did I get that name right?). Glad I did!! :)

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abadmarriageisfattening August 10, 2010 at 6:57 pm

Mary, thank you for your comment — at least I now know that I have one reader who enjoys my humor. On yesterday’s post, “Heart and Soul” — Susie, a first time reader, commented that my blog was so sad. I assured her I could be humorous too. Sure hope she reads today’s post. If she doesn’t find this post funny, I’m going to give up on comedy writing and write soap operas. (Only kidding, folks! Besides, I have been trying for years to get my foot in the door of Hollywood — but it seems that Hollywood doesn’t want me — even with a Master of Fine Arts Degree in Screenwriting from UCLA, Hollywood still doesn’t want me. That is why I turned to writing my blog. It sure is nice to reach the readers that I have always wanted to reach. Now, do you think any literary agents are ever going to call me to turn this blog into a memoir? In the meanwhile, I’m going to keep on blogging!)

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Mary August 11, 2010 at 6:06 am

I think you should turn your blog into a memoir yourself and then send it to the agents. . It would make a fabulous novel. I think they would be fighting over it. Now you just need to figure out your happily ever after – maybe you already have :).

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abadmarriageisfattening August 11, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Mary, I have every intention of turning A Bad Marriage Is Fattening into a memoir. And I do not even have to figure out my happily ever after — that came after I divorced Paul and started living my life the way I wanted to live it on my own terms.

My happily ever after is what I am doing right now — writing!

Please read my reply to Ashley below so that you understand how I plan to turn A Bad Marriage Is Fattening into a memoir.

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Ashley August 11, 2010 at 11:20 am

I just found your blog yesterday, and I really enjoy it. Actually I have read most of it since then.

I definitely see a novel in the works!

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abadmarriageisfattening August 11, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Ashley, I am so happy that you are enjoying my blog — and I am happy to have you as a new reader!

Since you said that you have read most of my blog, you already know that my blog is a memoir in progress — and I have every intention of turning A Bad Marriage Is Fattening into a book. Not all of my posts will go into the book — but the posts about my marriage to Paul will become a part of the memoir.

I really have not even begun to touch the surface in this blog of everything that will be going into the book. I am going to tell my entire story — from the very beginning of my relationship with Paul, through our 20 year marriage, and then I will take the readers through my divorce when I finally take charge of my life and become the woman I always knew I was meant to be.

What my readers are getting right now are bits and pieces of the memoir — and they are in on the process of watching a writer at work. So I do hope that you will stay with me as a reader, because there is a lot more to come!

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Susie Muckleroy August 11, 2010 at 2:17 pm

It is too funny! I now know I can NOT visit my refrigerator late at night, I may try to strike up a conversation, then I would really sh** in my pants if I heard it answer!… lol!

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abadmarriageisfattening August 11, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Susie, if your refrigerator ever starts talking to you — please let me know immediately!

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Cate August 11, 2010 at 5:15 pm

I definitely want to read the book. Definitely.
Thanks for sharing this – very nicely written and compelling. I have to tell you that marriage to a man with a culinary degree is fattening as well.
I will be back! :) (came over from #31DBBB)

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abadmarriageisfattening August 11, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Cate, your comment made me laugh! :) You have a point, I guess being married to a man with a culinary degree can be fattening as well — but what a lucky woman you are to be married to a man who is a gourmet cook!

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Sarafree August 11, 2010 at 8:25 pm

This was so great! Putting words to a relationship with food, something I can definitely relate to. The food has been the great comforter in my life when others were not. Thank you for sharing!

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abadmarriageisfattening August 11, 2010 at 9:16 pm

Sarafree, when I first came up with the idea of writing A Bad Marriage Is Fattening — it was always my intention to write it as a memoir (non-fiction book), because it was a true story — my own true story of my unhappy marriage. And I knew that in order for women to relate to what I was writing about, I had to be totally honest. I always believed that I was not alone in turning to food for comfort, that other women turned to food for comfort too — and by the many comments that I have received, by you and others, I was correct. Thank you so much for commenting. I appreciate your honesty.

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Laura August 13, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Funny post. I gained about 30 pounds after my marriage went bad (and I didn’t have a side-by-side refrigerator).

Stopping by from #31DBBB

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abadmarriageisfattening August 13, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Laura, thank you for stopping by. You made me laugh with your remark that you didn’t have a side-by-side refrigerator and you gained 30 pounds! :) Although gaining weight when your marriage goes bad is not funny. We are looking for ways to comfort ourselves — and for many women, including myself, food is the great comforter.

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Mrs.Mayhem August 16, 2010 at 11:26 am

I like your honesty and your humorous approach to a sensitive subject.
Food is an ever-present and ever-reliable source of comfort. Unfortunately.

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abadmarriageisfattening August 16, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Mrs. Mayhem, I whole heartedly agree with you! As you said, “Food is an ever-present and ever-reliable source of comfort.” I could not have said it better myself. Thank you for your comment and for stopping by.

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Jenny August 16, 2010 at 9:17 pm

I wish MY fridge would speak to me in a hunky masculine voice. My husband sucks at it.. LOL

Loved your post :D

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abadmarriageisfattening August 16, 2010 at 9:47 pm

Jenny, your comment made me LOL :)

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Kathryn Shanley September 9, 2010 at 1:51 pm

I just found your blog on a SITS BlogFrog discussion and I’m so glad I did! As a recovering emotional eater I know how hard it is to resist eating food to ease the pain. I’m signing up to receive your posts by email and I’ll be back to read more!

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abadmarriageisfattening September 9, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Kathryn, thank you for following my blog. I always suggest to new readers that they start reading my blog at the beginning when I first started writing it, January 1st 2010, (my first post is called “Reality Sucks”), and work their way up to the present. I know it is asking a lot of a reader to start reading my blog from the beginning (that is why it is only a suggestion) — but I think that as a new reader they will soon understand that what they are actually reading is a memoir in progress. (Please read my reply above to Ashley dated August 11th 2010.)

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Grams September 10, 2010 at 9:39 am

From one emotional eater to another … poignantly funny! BTW, my son and his wife have a refrigerator that does actually talk, it tells you if the door is ajar or the filter needs changing. It’s a little creepy.

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abadmarriageisfattening September 10, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Grams, it is only a matter of time before all of our refrigerators start talking to us! I am sure some inventor is working on the idea this very moment. My biggest fear will be that every time I open my refrigerator door it will say, “Joan, do you really think you need to eat that?” It will be pretty difficult to answer back, “Thank you very much for caring but it is none of your business what I eat. I am a grown woman and I can eat anything I chose!” My refrigerator will answer me back in a totally unperturbed voice, “But that is where you are wrong, Joan — you see, everything you eat is my business because I love and care about you so much. I want you to live a long and healthy life and enjoy the fruits of your labor when your memoir comes out.” Then I will say, “Hey, wait a minute — your voice is beginning to sound very familiar. Are you my mother?” And my refrigerator will lovingly answer me back, “Yes, Joan, this is your mother speaking — I have been reincarnated as a refrigerator! Aren’t you happy to see me?”

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miss innocent September 16, 2010 at 9:49 pm

btw. im so sorry about your marriage.. i get a bad marriage is fattening because of the emotions that are attached to it and we end up neglecting ourselves and binging…

i guess we have to approach breakups and divorces in a way to beautify and to put that spare time on spending it with ourselves.

make ourselves feel that we dont need a man and make them regret that they’ve let us slip in their hands :)

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abadmarriageisfattening September 21, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Miss Innocent, please do not feel sorry about my marriage. It was a part of my life and it made me strong so that I could grow and become the woman that I am today. My marriage was one of my very profound life experiences that spanned thirty years of my life. (My ex-husband and I went together for ten years before we married and we were married for twenty years before we divorced.) No one’s life turns out to be perfect. Every life has its peaks and valleys.

I am writing A Bad Marriage Is Fattening not for women to feel sorry for me — but for them to learn from my experience and foolish (which really were not foolish but naive) mistakes. It is my hope that other women might see parts of themselves in me and not make the same mistakes that I made.

I think that it is common to many woman that when they are unhappy in their marriage or relationship they end up neglecting themselves — I know I did. The only way that I was able to deal with my unhappiness was by binging. I did not have the confidence in myself that I could survive on my own if I left my marriage — so I stayed and was miserable. Binging — eating whatever foods I loved with abandonment was my way of rebelling — and became my one source of happiness. I equated food with love because I was not getting the emotional bonding that one hopes to get from their marriage. So I was nurturing myself in the best way I knew how at the time — which really was not true nurturing and proved to be detrimental to me in the end because my weight rose so high.

Anyone who has every walked in my shoes will completely understand everything I am talking about. I believe that substituting food for not getting the love one needs in their marriage or relationship is very common, but it is seldom talked about openly and honestly — and that is why I am writing about this subject because I feel passionate about it. I think it will open up dialogue for other women to talk honestly about their own emotions with food and marriage whether it be with their husband or significant other.

In your last paragraph you talked about making men regret that they have let us slip out of their hands. I have learned that in life no one can make anyone regret anything. No one has control over how another person thinks. The only person we have control to change is ourselves. I never, for one second, thought that my ex-husband would regret losing me — and he has not. The best thing we can do when a relationship ends is to move on with our life. What our ex thinks or does not think about letting us slip out of their hands should no longer be our concern. When one is busy living their own life hopefully they are so busy with the here and now that there is no time to look back on what was — except, of course, if you are a writer and are writing a memoir! Then looking back becomes all important because you have a story to tell. But it is how one chooses to tell their story. I think anyone who has been reading my blog knows that I look back with a lot of humor and a little pathos thrown in, because let’s face it — everyone deserves a good cry every once in awhile!

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Paula September 21, 2010 at 3:36 am

Over from BF. I love your witty style. I am happy that you created the life you wanted. I think it is a very positive, humourous way to work through your past. You go girl!

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abadmarriageisfattening October 3, 2010 at 12:01 am

Paula, thank you for your lovely comment. I appreciate it.

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Doreen Lombardo October 2, 2010 at 9:19 pm

Excellent story. I love how you used humor to keep the reader’s attention on a very serious topic. I’m glad you have finally made a better life for yourself.

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abadmarriageisfattening October 3, 2010 at 12:25 am

Doreen, I think it is important to have a sense of humor about one’s self. If one learns to laugh at themselves, others will laugh also — but they are not laughing at them, they are laughing with them, because they recognize a universal truth: we are all vulnerable when it comes to relationships and we all make mistakes. Nobody is infallible.

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Sandra October 28, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Don’t give up on comedy writing! I love your work. ;o)

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abadmarriageisfattening October 29, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Sandra, I won’t give up on comedy writing — and thank you for loving my work!

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anonynanny November 16, 2010 at 7:53 pm

I believe the most difficult obstacle to surmount in any major appliance relationship now-a-days is overcoming the stigma associated with expired warranties. Everyone wants the newest model; the latest in gadget obsession. Take for example touch screen controlling. It’s an absolute must among the younger crowd [more commonly referred to as the feel-good generation]. Now I ask you: just exactly what do THEY know about feeling good? Sure, their touch screens render instant gratification, but I’m talking about foreplay? Let’s face it. We find ourselves clinging to our ice boxes [old school term] because of a lack of basic hands-on foreplay. Why I can recall a few years back when refrigerators were home delivered (touch screen free) with lifetime warranties to cover the replacement of such simple parts as over-caressed knobs and mistreated levers. Remember lever door latches? It didn’t matter how hard you yanked on one. If you accidentally broke it off. Then the Maytag man would show up on your porch the very next day eager to offer his services. Talk about “show me the love.” It almost makes me want to cry.

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abadmarriageisfattening November 16, 2010 at 9:58 pm

anonynanny, you funny, funny, funny man! You make me laugh! :)

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Aleta April 11, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Whether your ex-husband has had the good sense to regret you or not, this is the best point you’ve made:
“The best thing we can do when a relationship ends is to move on with our life. What our ex thinks or does not think about letting us slip out of their hands should no longer be our concern.”

Well done, Joan!

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abadmarriageisfattening April 11, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Aleta, thank you!

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Katherines Corner October 7, 2012 at 5:58 am

keep your wonderful sense of humor, its critcal. thank you for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things hop. Sorry I’m a bit slow getting here xo

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