Curse Of The Redhead Riter: Part 1

by Joan Oshatz on December 4, 2010 in A Bad Marriage Is Fattening

For the first two years after Paul left, I did not sleep through the night.  I’d go to sleep only to awake several hours later with murderous thoughts rushing through my mind about how I could murder Paul and get away with it.

In my head I was convinced that no jury of twelve women, whose husbands had also betrayed them would ever convict me and send me to jail for murdering Paul.  Convict me?  They would applaud me and say, “You poor thing, what you went through with that man – and now you’re going to write a memoir called A Bad Marriage Is Fattening.  Isn’t that the truth!  We just love the title.”  In my fantasy, my ideal twelve female jurors were all fat like me.  Not one of them weighed under two hundred pounds.  And they all idolized me.  I was their hero for doing my husband in.

“Ohhh, Joan, when your book comes out will you remember that we let you get away with murder – and will you give us autograph copies of your book?”

“I certainly will.”

What a beautiful fantasy this was and what a small price to pay for murdering Paul – twelve autograph copies of A Bad Marriage Is Fattening.

But then there was the other fantasy.  And it wasn’t quite as beautiful as my twelve overweight women jurors.  What if fate dealt me the unkindest blow of all and gave me a jury of twelve men who had cheated on their wives and then left them for another woman?  I wouldn’t even let my head go there.

And there was another thing I knew as I laid awake all those sleepless nights plotting Paul’s demise.  I knew that someday Paul would get what he deserved — for I believed in karma.  What goes around comes around.  And I wondered what his karma would be for so coldly casting me out of his life like I was yesterday’s garbage.

In time I came to realize that my fantasies were not that unusual.   Many women fantasized about murdering their husbands who betrayed them.  The key was not to act upon those fantasies.  Like Betty Broderick did when she shot to death her ex-husband and his new wife.

After awhile I started sleeping through the nights and my thoughts about killing Paul subsided.  I can’t remember exactly when I came to my senses and had what I can only describe as an epiphany.  I realized Paul was more valuable to me alive than dead.  What had I been thinking to want to murder Paul?  He had been ordered by the court to pay me alimony.  I was getting enough money that I did not have work.  I could stay home and write – that is every writers dream.

I quickly began to pray for Paul’s good health and that no catastrophe would befall him.  I did not want to lose my golden goose – at least not until my memoir came out and was a bestseller.

Eight more years passed and never once did I wish Paul physical harm.

This past October I joined an online community of bloggers — The Redhead Riter – Witty, Intelligent & Addictive Community.

It’s a strange thing about karma and the way it plays itself out.  Long ago I had prayed that Paul would get what he deserved.  But then I forgot completely about it.  However, karma always has a way to even the score.  It came quite unexpectedly in the form of a comment on my blog, or rather shall I say curse.  The leader of our community, Redhead Riter, left a comment on a post I had written called The Proverbial Question.  It read in part, “Sending LOVE to Joan and PESTILENCE to Paul.”  Then she went on to write, “Guess he is going to find lots of locusts and frogs crawling around his house soon.”

And Paul did.

(To be continued. . .)

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Marlene December 4, 2010 at 8:37 am

You CAN’T leave us hanging! I hope you are not going to wait too long to continue this! 🙂

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abadmarriageisfattening December 4, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Now Marlene, would I do that to you leave you hanging? Never! My writing policy has been this: as soon as 25,000 readers have read my latest post I post a new post. Why 25,000 readers? Well, I’ll tell you.

I was at a writing conference this past September in San Diego, California — now I am being serious I am not joking. I’ll even give you the name. It was called 21st Century Book Marketing.

I talked to a woman there who was one of the speakers on a publishing panel and worked for one of the top publishing houses. I’m not going to give you the name of the woman I talked to but she had a very high ranking title — oh what the heck, I’ll give you her title so that you can see just how high ranking she was. Her title was Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development for — no I’m not going to give you the name of the publishing house.

I gave this Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development my business card. Yes, I know it must come as a shock to my readers to learn that Joan, who sits home all day and writes, actually has a business card — especially since I have never earned one penny from my writing. But I do have a business card, because hope springs eternal in me that someday, someone who has the power to get me published will read my writing and discover me.

So as I said, I gave this woman who had this high ranking title and works for this top publishing house my business card which has on it my website A Bad Marriage Is Fattening. I told her all about my writing and my blog. I even told her that I had a Master of Fine Arts from UCLA in Screenwriting just to let her know that I had a high ranking title too. I mean let’s face it — a prestigious Film School like UCLA isn’t going to just hand out a degree to anyone — you have to be able to write. So I thought that maybe my title might carry a little clout with this Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development to at least take a look at my blog.

I knew that she had the power if she liked what she read on my blog to discover me. All she had to do was say to her publishing house was, “I just discovered this incredibly funny and talented writer whose memoir we definitely have to publish! It’s going to fly off the bookshelves like hotcakes and be a bestseller! Even Costco is going to end up selling it!” (Everyone knows that if your book ends up at Costco it’s heading for The New York Times Bestsellers List because Costco buys in great quantities! And not to brag but I have a personal in at Costco — I have a Costco membership!)

The Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development was very polite to me. She listened and laughed and even liked the title of my blog A Bad Marriage Is Fattening. She thought it was very funny.

In my head I thought things were going extremely well with this Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development — and I thought to myself, “Maybe this will be my lucky break!” So now I am getting all excited inside thinking maybe she’ll read my blog and discover me!

And then she dropped the bomb. She asked me, “How many followers do you have reading your blog?”

“For one post I wrote called Sandra Bullock Blindsided by Jesse James I had over a 1,000 readers read that post,” I said.

I thought having over a 1,000 readers to read one post was a large amount of readers. I, myself, do not personally know a 1,000 people. (Now, you might think that I am joking but I am not. Everything that I am telling you is true. I did have over a 1,000 readers read that post, although only about 9 people commented. I don’t remember off the top of my head the exact number of people who commented — but many more people read a blog then those who end up commenting on it.)

The smile on the face of the Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development completely disappeared. “Only a 1,000 readers? You need to have at least 25,000 readers following you for us to be interested in publishing you.”

Right then and there I saw my lucky break of being discovered disappear. She handed me her business card and said, “Call me when you have 25,000 followers following you and we’ll talk.”

I am sure that the Senior Vice President and Director of Creative Development disposed of my business card and never looked at my blog — but I still have her business card, because hope springs eternal in me that my memoir A Bad Marriage Is Fattening will be published.

So Marlene, I need my readership to help me along here if we want to see my memoir get published by a top publishing house. Please tell all your friends, relatives and people you work with to read my blog — because I need 25,000 readers following me!

Thanks Marlene for your comment and I’ll try my best not to keep you or my other readers hanging! 🙂

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Bev December 4, 2010 at 10:30 am

I am so glad that you had a change of thought so you could be here with us in the outside world. And glad that the golden goose laid you many years of time to write. I love it! And now, we are all in suspense to see if there will be pity upon Paul as the scourge ensues.

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abadmarriageisfattening December 4, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Bev, what can I tell you? I love those golden eggs! 🙂

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katlupe December 4, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I am glad to see a new post on this blog!

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abadmarriageisfattening December 4, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Katlupe, you and me both! 🙂

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Patti Hanan December 4, 2010 at 4:13 pm

My dear Joan, Like fine wine, your writing is worth the wait! I am looking forward to hearing about the plague on Paul, no matter how long it takes!

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abadmarriageisfattening December 4, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Patti, thank you for your patience in offering to wait to hear “about the plague on Paul, no matter how long it takes!” But truthfully, I don’t think it will take that long to be posted. You see, I am very curious myself to read about what happened to Paul after Redhead Riter placed that curse on him. But the only way I am going to find out is when I write that post — so naturally I am looking forward to writing it! 🙂

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Deb Chitwood December 5, 2010 at 2:27 pm

You have me intrigued, Joan! We’ll have to hope you get to 25,000 followers soon so we can read the rest!

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abadmarriageisfattening December 5, 2010 at 2:44 pm

OMG Deb! If I wait until I have 25,000 readers reading this post before I write my next post — there never will be a next post! 🙂 I was serious about needing 25,000 readers reading my blog and following me to get a top publishing house to publish my memoir — but believe me the next post is going to come out shortly! 🙂

Thank you for visiting my blog and your comment!

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Doreen Lombardo December 5, 2010 at 9:39 pm

Hey now! I hate suspense thrillers. However, I do like a mystery. Excellent job and excellent story. I can’t wait for the next installment. May you reach 25,000 readers switly!

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abadmarriageisfattening December 5, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Doreen, thanks for your wish that I reach 25,000 readers swiftly — but I think it would be more like a miracle! 🙂

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The Redhead Riter December 7, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Miracles happen to some people, so don’t ever give up. I personally need a couple miracles myself especially after today, so I think I will do what teachers of old made their students do…I will write 100 times, “This too shall pass and I will make it until then.” I might need to do it 1,000 times to convince myself.

I think if I had a golden egg, life would be easier. Do you think you can find a “Paul” who would cheat on me, leave me and then pay me alimony for the rest of my life? Maybe he has a brother? I could accomplish so much with my life!

In all seriousness, I think you should write your book! How many pages do you already have written? Don’t you write all day? What is taking you 8 years? Aren’t you done yet? Are you depressed or just suffer with inertia?

How about if we trade lives and I write your book and collect your golden eggs? I would even be happy to be fat sitting on the golden eggs. Do I have to grow feathers?

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