A Very Resilient Woman

by Joan Oshatz on November 11, 2010 in Betrayal,Overweight / Fat,Sex

WonderWomanV5

It’s been three months since I last blogged and no one has e-mailed me and said, “Joan, what has happened to you?  Have you abandoned your blog?”

Well, my feelings are beyond hurt that nobody has missed me – but I’ll get over it, because if there’s one thing I am it’s a very resilient woman.  In fact, I’ll tell you how resilient I am.  When Paul — you all remember Paul, don’t you?  My ex-husband.  When Paul told me he was leaving me for another woman he must have had a little guilt, because he wanted to offer me some parting words of advice.

“Joanie, if I were you . . .” Paul began.  Immediately I knew that his advice was going to stink, because Paul was not me – nor would he ever be me.  So how could he think that I would take anything he said seriously?  Well, wait a second, I did take the fact that he was leaving me for another woman seriously.

I remember crying when he told me the news.  But not for the reason you may think.  I was crying because I realized that my husband actually had a sex drive.   You see, for the last years of our marriage when Paul never reached for me sexually – I thought that the reason he wasn’t reaching for me was because he had no sex drive.

So I was crying because I found out my husband DID HAVE A SEX DRIVE!  And I was feeling sorry for myself for all the nights I had spent having an affair with Sammy-the-refrigerator bingeing my brains out — when I could have been having a grand old time in bed with my spouse.

“Yes, Paul, tell me what you would tell me if you were me?”

“I would tell you to lose weight.”

“Really Paul, is that the best advice you have for me?”

“You’re going to have to lose weight to attract a man.”

“Why would I want to attract a man?”

“To get married again.”

“Do you actually think I would ever want to marry again?”

“Well, yes — how are you going to survive without a man to take care of you?”

“You think I’m incapable of taking care of myself?”

“Joanie, you were once a very beautiful girl — and you could still attract a man if you lost your weight.”

Notice how tactfully Paul dodged the issue of me being able to survive without a man taking care of me – and then the rub, I was once a very beautiful girl.   Well, as Paul knew I was no longer a girl.  Never again would I be a young girl with stars in her eyes who dreamt about happily ever after.  Those days were gone forever.  I was about to become just another middle-aged statistic – an overweight woman whose husband had dumped her for another woman.

“You’re not a terrible person,” Paul said, “if you would just get over this crazy obsession that you have about being a writer.”

“I’m going to make it.”

“There you go again refusing to accept reality.  There are a thousand writers out there who are better writers than you.”

“Says who?”

“Says me!  Now stop being stubborn and listen.  You have a nice personality — and you love cats and dogs.  Surely there must be some guy out there who could fall in love with you.”

“Why would another man fall in love with me when you never did?’

Paul had no answer.

“Do you love her?”

“I like her very much.”

“But do you love her?  Tell me you love her and that’s why you’re breaking up our family.”

“I like her and she’s deeply in love with me.”

“I don’t care what she feels for you – I want to know what you feel for her.”

“We get along swell.”

“Well we have a child together – isn’t that swell?”

Paul remained silent.  Finally he said, “You need to lose your weight.”

“Oh yes, the weight again!  Do you know how long I waited for you to love me Paul – before I turned to food for love?”

“Are you trying to blame me for your being fat?”

“I’m not blaming you for anything.”

“You need to lose the weight, because you’ll never be able to survive without having a man take care of you.”

But Paul was wrong.  It has been ten years since we divorced and I did not have to look for another man to take care of me.  As I said – I’m a very resilient woman.

{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

katlupe November 12, 2010 at 6:52 am

My ex-husband dumped me also, I may have told you that before, and he told me not to try to start a business because I needed someone to take care of me. Well, he is dead, and I have a business and have gone way beyond him. But, I do have a very happy marriage and there are some men who are worth getting to know. Don’t judge them all based on one low life husband in your past!

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abadmarriageisfattening November 12, 2010 at 8:50 am

Katlupe, you must have a feeling of accomplishment and empowerment to have your own business — especially since your ex-husband told you that you needed someone to take care of you. I also happen to know that you are a talented writer and have a wonderful blog called Homesteading On The Internet. All one has to do is click on your name and they are there!

I, too, have a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and empowerment knowing that after all these years my writing is finally being read! To any writer this means the world. The one thing Paul was never able to do was to diminish my belief in myself as a writer. I knew with every fiber in me that I was born to be a writer — and that dream I never was going to let go of!

Let me assure you that I do not judge all men by my marriage to Paul. I have two brothers whom I love and have been close to all of my life — and I have a son who is the light of my life and whom I could not be prouder of. I was close to and loved my father who is now deceased. I am not sour on men because of my own bad marriage — I understand all to well my personal dynamics that drove me to choose Paul as a partner and marry him. It will be revealed in my memoir A Bad Marriage Is Fattening.

Having said all that obviously men have been and will continue to be an integral part of my life. However, I do not want to get married again. I truly love my independence and the way I live my life now. I know that any relationship or marriage requires compromise — and at this point in my life I am married to my writing.

I also know enough to never say never — because life always has a way of tricking us just when we think we have everything figured out. Being a writer, I know that someday I might end of eating my own words. But if I ever get married again nobody would be more stunned or surprised than I!

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Bethany November 12, 2010 at 6:58 am

I did miss your blog! I wish you’d write more. You ARE in fact a great writer, despite what Paul says.

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abadmarriageisfattening November 12, 2010 at 9:42 am

Bethany, thank you for missing my blog and for your very kind compliment about my writing. You must be one of my old followers — so thank you for coming back and continuing to read my blog.

When I stopped blogging for the past three months what I was doing was studying social media. I do not know if you know what social media is, but it is the building of relationships on the Internet. I knew that in order to grow my blog and increase my readership I had to understand social media. It became a full time job for me just trying to understand what it was all about. I will probably write a post about this because it was such an enriching experience for me having not grown up on a computer — and not knowing anything about blogging really when I first started to blog. I just jumped right in and started writing.

My biggest fear when I stopped blogging was that I was going to lose all of my followers — so I want to thank you personally for your patience when I stopped blogging and being there to greet me and comment when I started blogging again. I do not take it for granted and I want you to know how much I appreciate loyal readers like you.

And Bethany your wish is going to come true — I am going to be writing more steadily so stay tuned!

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Sandra November 12, 2010 at 7:32 am

Excuse Me, it was just yesterday I said: It’s been three months wonder what has happened to Joan? LOL
Good for you “Very Resilient Woman”!

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abadmarriageisfattening November 12, 2010 at 11:01 am

Sandra, yes it was definitely your voice I heard yesterday saying, “It’s been three months wonder what has happened to Joan?” Well, just between you and me, don’t believe a word I wrote to Bethany about studying social media. The real truth was I got lost reading your blog for three months and couldn’t pull myself away from it! All those wonderful pictures and interesting posts — and saving money on your grocery bill by ending up paying half of what the total was. Aren’t you the savvy shopper! But what I loved most was the cartoon on your right sidebar (you have to scroll down a little) of the woman standing on her scale with the gun in her hand aiming it at the scale. Honestly, when I saw that picture I laughed out loud!

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Patti Hanan November 12, 2010 at 10:10 am

I found your blog through Red Riters forum. You are an extremely talented writer. This post and the one in August about Sammy the refrigerator made me laugh till I cried! You are so funny. I am glad you are back to writing.

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abadmarriageisfattening November 12, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Patti, I found your blog by clicking on your name! Talk about an extremely talented writer — your post Way To Go, Jack! tugged at my heart, put a smile on my face, and in the end I wanted to run out and rescue a dog!

I am an extreme animal lover and when I was married to Paul, I rescued many dogs and cats that ended up becoming part of our family. Need I say that I received more love from my rescued dogs and cats than I ever got from Paul? (No, I need not have said that because my readers could have figured that one out!)

To Paul’s credit he had a big heart when it came to cats — he loved his cats! He didn’t love the dogs as much as the cats, but he was very kind to the dogs too! But Paul was really a cat person — not a wife person.

I hope everyone reading these comments will check out Patti’s post Way To Go, Jack! http://pphanan.blogspot.com/2010/09/way-to-go-jack.html — it is just so touching! Patti you are a fantastic writer and I am sure that your guest blogger, doggy Jack, will have a bestseller before I do!

Also, I want to tell you that your blog A Grateful Heart is both moving and inspirational! Your background of colorful flowers and your header with the young girl running through the lavender flowers are breathtakingly beautiful!

Patti, thank you for your compliments about my writing. I am so happy that my readers have a good sense of humor!

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Sandra November 12, 2010 at 11:32 am

Wow! aren’t you nice. Thanks for taking time to l@@k at my blog.;O)
I love your writings. I am not a wordly person, just the facts, mam’ just the facts. lol That’s ok because I have learned so much listening/reading others’ blogs!

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autonomousblogger November 12, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Joanie- I notice you’ve been MIA. But I also do that from time to time, and usually because I need a break from it all. Don’t be sad :(. xoxo, Renae

my personal WP page is now: http://launderlife.wordpress.com

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abadmarriageisfattening November 15, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Renae, so lovely to hear from you! Thanks for giving me your personal WP page and website — I’ll definitely be there to catch up on you!

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Paula November 14, 2010 at 12:54 pm

I enjoyed your previous post. Passed by a couple of times but you were mia. Glad you enjoyed your studies and I enjoy your style of writing very much so. Having said that I wish my English would improve. Somehow I have the feeling inspite of marrying an American this language is the one I never truly will master. But then the first 6 years we lived in Spain and this American and this German spoke Spanish only with one another! For different reasons I know I am very resilent too and it is one of the best qualities I have or so I like to think. Happy to have you at RHR community. Have a glorious start into your week! Paula

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abadmarriageisfattening November 14, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Paula, do not worry about your English — you are doing just fine! I have often wondered how you can write such an interesting blog as “Love is a Journey” when English is not your first language.

Thank you for stopping by and visiting my blog and for the compliments on my writing!

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Patti Hanan November 14, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Dear Joanie, Thanks for your kind comment to me and Jack. When I told Jack, he was truly touched and honored to be recognized by such an exceptional writer as yourself. He suggested I add you to my blog honor roll. “Good idea, Jack!” I told him. “That way other people can discover this amazing writer.” Maybe one day, you, me and Jack can do a book signing together! Jack and I would like that!

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abadmarriageisfattening November 14, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Patti, I have to admit to you — I am completely smitten with Jack! He has stolen my heart! Nothing would make me happier than to one day do a book signing with Jack and you! By the way, does Jack have a title for his book? I personally like “Way To Go, Jack!” Please tell Jack that as soon as he writes more pages to let me know — I can hardly wait to read them. He is an author extraordinaire!

Ohhh, I just came up with a brilliant idea — Jack should have his own blog called “Way To Go, Jack!” And he should also have his own Official Facebook Page called “Way To go, Jack! (Facebook does not call it a fan page anymore.)

I knew the moment I read “Way To Go, Jack!” that he was a literary doggy genius — and Jack proved me right by suggesting to you that you add me to your blog honor roll! Please thank Jack for me.

So what do you think about giving Jack his own blog? In the meantime, anyone who is curious about Jack, the literary doggy genius who can write, here’s where to go to read his literary work “Way To Go, Jack” http://pphanan.blogspot.com/2010/09/way-to-go-jack.html

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Patti Hanan November 14, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Dear Joanie, Jack will be so honored to hear you think he should have his own blog. He would love to, I’m sure, however, he is unfortunately dependent on me, his co-author, because when he tries to type, his little paws keep hitting the wrong keys. I will suggest it to him, though. He loves your writing, as do I! He can completely identify with how you feel, because when he was in the doggie pound he felt alone and unloved. That is why your writing strikes such a chord with him. He and I spent the last three hours reading your entire blog. It’s not like we didn’t have other things to do. The dust bunnies in my house have morphed into dust dinosaurs, and Jack interrupted his nap schedule. The thing is though, you writing is so good, we couldn’t stop reading! We will be the first in line to buy your book!

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abadmarriageisfattening November 14, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Patti, oh, so that’s how long it takes to read my entire blog — three hours! Well thanks for telling me! Now I’m wondering how long it will take to read my entire memoir A Bad Marriage Is Fattening. I better get to work on it!

Look, you don’t have to worry about Jack’s little paws hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard. They have come out with this new software program where all Jack has to do is bark into the microphone and it will decipher what he is saying right into the computer like he had typed it. The program is called “Bark Recognition.”

I really think you should consider getting Jack a blog. A dog of his literary talents comes along once every hundred years — if even that often. Think of Jack like Einstein (of course Jack is cuter than Einstein was) — but just like Einstein came up with The Theory of Relativity — Jack is going to come up with The Theory of All Dogs. He will be the voice for all dogs!

All along people have thought that dogs can’t think like humans — Jack is going to prove people were wrong! Jack will show what great thinkers dogs are. Like Socrates was a great thinker. I can see it now, Jack’s second book, “Way To Go, Jack — That Was A Great Thought You Had!” But I’m getting totally ahead of myself — first Jack has to bark into his microphone and write his first book!

Patti, please — give serious consideration to Jack getting his own blog. We shall discuss this further. Tell Jack that I am in his corner barking for him and trying to break down your resistance to him getting a blog. WOOF! WOOF!

Dear readers, if any of you want to bark in on this and give your opinion if Jack deserves his own blog — please feel free to bark your opinion either here on my comment page — or over at Jack’s comment page. Once again that’s “Way To Go, Jack!” http://pphanan.blogspot.com/2010/09/way-to-go-jack.html

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Suzie Q November 14, 2010 at 9:12 pm

I Married a Moron and survived, I think that means we might be on the same team 🙂
I am loving your writing…. Suzie Q.

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abadmarriageisfattening November 15, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Suzie Q, not only are we on the same team 🙂 if I didn’t know better I would had thought we married the same guy! 🙂 Thanks for the compliment on my writing, I’m loving your writing too!

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Patti Hanan November 15, 2010 at 10:10 am

My dear friend Joan,
It took my grandma Patti and I three hours to read your whole blog because we couldn’t stop laughing and crying. We could have read it faster, of course, if we had just skimmed over it, but your writing is too good for that. Like a fine wine or gourmet meal, your writing is meant to be savored! I am very grateful for your kind suggestion that I have my own blog, and I would work hard to do my best. I have been dropping hints to grandma Patti ever since you suggested it. This is taking some effort on my part, because grandma Patti sometimes lapses into bouts of self-pity where she claims she’s overworked.(not a pretty sight). She claims she can barely keep up with her own blog, considering that she also attempts to teach English at a local high school. However, I have hope. I am going with my mom and dad, Kathie and Nate, to visit grandma Patti and my extended family over Thanksgiving. I think I can convince her then. Thank you for your wonderful encouragement! Your friend, Jack

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abadmarriageisfattening November 15, 2010 at 6:19 pm

My Dear Jack, you and Grandma Patti could not stop laughing when you read my blog? WOW! You know that’s music to my ears! I love to hear that my readers laughed at something I wrote — but then I do feel a little sad 🙁 at making you and Grandma Patti cry (you’re such a lovely dog — and she’s such a lovely woman) — but look at it this way, everyone needs a good cry every once in awhile.

You really cried? What posts made you cry? Maybe I’ll go back and make them funny! 🙂

Jack, since I made you cry and now I’m feeling a little guilty about it, I will plug your adorable post Way To Go, Jack! http://pphanan.blogspot.com/2010/09/way-to-go-jack.html

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The Redhead Riter November 17, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Vindication.

What is it about SO MANY MEN that lead them to believe women can’t do anything without their assistance? It is truly mind-boggling. We can do absolutely everything a man can do except for contribute one small sperm into the mix. That’s it. One sperm. I would dare say that reality is the opposite of what men believe…Men cannot live without us. In fact, none of the men would have been born without women!!!!!

Marriage? It is overrated LOL. If the man doesn’t drive up in a Rolls Royce or ride in on a White Stallion fighting dragons, I say just wait.

Don’t settle.

As far as being overweight…I don’t care if you weigh 500 pounds because you are fabulously interesting. Best of all, you make me laugh and that is a priceless gift. Besides, who said being overweight makes a person unlovable? Your ex is a pompous, arrogant prick. I hope his thyroid messes up and he gains 100 pounds in 3 months and his current wife leaves him for the fitness trainer at the gym.

Obviously, I like to be able to pick the vengeance. Just another of my faults.

So does Paul read your blog? Can I tell him that marrying a woman when you don’t really love her and then not cherishing her is evil? I don’t know if you believe in God, but I’m sure he knows every tear Joan cried because of you. I’m glad I’m not you Paul.

I’m so glad to have gotten to know you on the internet. I hope some day we can meet in person. **Mwah on the cheek** and {{{hugggsss}}} to you Joan!!!

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abadmarriageisfattening November 19, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Redhead Riter, you said, “We can do absolutely everything a man can do except for contribute one small sperm into the mix. That’s it. One sperm.” I have to say I agree with you.

Speaking about sperm, when I wanted to have a second child and couldn’t conceive my infertility doctor told me the reason I could not become pregnant was that my body was allergic to Paul’s sperm and I was rejecting it! Ahhh, the wisdom of the body!

And you made me feel so good when you said, “As far as being overweight…I don’t care if you weigh 500 pounds.” Well, I felt like a skinny ninny after reading that remark because I do not weigh anywhere near 500 pounds.

Redhead Riter, thank you for all the love you sent my way. Please do come back and visit my blog again.

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