Heart and Soul

by Joan Oshatz on August 9, 2010 in Betrayal,Sex

heart and soul

What’s a wife to do if her husband does not want to have sex with her? If you were this wife (me) and hungry for love and affection from your husband, why you would raid your refrigerator of course.

My ex-husband, Paul, had sex with me only once in the last ten years of our marriage and that was the night before he walked out on me. And then he was unable to get it up.

In the back of my mind I can hear my ex-husband, Paul, confronting me. “So I see you’re pulling your drama queen act again — wanting your readers to feel sorry for you because your husband didn’t have sex with you. I suppose you haven’t told them the reason I didn’t have sex with you?”

“I have.”

“Oh, you did? And what exactly did you tell your very large readership out there in cyberspace?” Paul says with a laugh.

Paul is totally convinced that no one is reading my blog except his attorney who he has scrutinizing my posts in hopes of finding something he can sue me for.

“I told them that you didn’t have sex with me because you were angry with me.”

“Hallelujah and will wonders never cease! For once in your life you got something right! And tell me, Joanie, did you tell your distinguished readership the reason why I was always so angry with you?”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Because I thought it would embarrass you.”

“How considerate of you to be so thoughtful about my feelings — but has it not occurred to you that you’ve already embarrassed me by telling everyone that when I did try to have sex with you on the last night of our marriage I couldn’t get it up?”

“Well, it’s the truth.”

“The reason I couldn’t get it up was that I was in love with another woman. Did you tell that to your readers? And did you also tell them your ridiculously desperate attempt to try and get me to stay by physically forcing yourself on me? And did you also tell them how you were crying hysterically and pleading with me, ‘Oh Paul, please don’t leave me. How will I survive without you? Please Paul, don’t breakup the family!’ How with all that hysteria was I supposed to get it up?”

I cringe inwardly at the memory of that night.

“But none of your tears could persuade me to stay, because I was about to start a beautiful new life with this incredible woman who loved me, respected me, and hung on to every word I said. Unlike you who was totally disrespectful of me, showed nothing but contempt for me and was constantly disobeying me. Isn’t that true, Joanie – weren’t you always disobeying me and never respecting my wishes?”

There you have it, dear reader, the reason why Paul was always so angry with me and withheld his love and sex from me. I was a bad wife who was constantly disobeying her husband and not respecting his wishes.

Paul might have had everyone jumping to his command at work because he was a doctor — but at home he was my husband. Apparently I was under the misguided impression that in a marriage both partners were equal. But Paul never treated me like I was his equal. Paul was twelve years older than me. Our marriage ended up being like a father-daughter relationship where Paul was the wise and all knowing father — and I was his scatterbrained daughter.

Poor Paul. To be harnessed to this scatterbrained daughter. So what is a doctor to do when he has a rebelling wife? Why go out and cheat on her of course.

Looking back now, I realize how frustrating it must have been for Paul to believe that he was the master in our marriage and then to find out that he had no control over his subject. As years passed and the marriage progressed I did come to disrespect Paul. To treat him with contempt. And to disobey his wishes. The rage inside of me built to a crescendo. I was constantly raiding the refrigerator — eating anything to numb the anger I was feeling inside.

My imaginary conversation with Paul continues. These imaginary conversations that I have with Paul are so real to me that I can actually feel and see his physical presence in the room. Paul looks over at me typing at the computer. “What are you typing?” he asks.

“A post for my blog.”

“Personally I think you’re wasting your time with this blog. I think it’s just going to end up being another dead end pursuit of your writing.”

“This might surprise you, Paul — but I’m beginning to build up a readership.”

“You are? Well, I know my attorney is reading you — but that’s only because I’m paying him to read you.”

“Has he found anything to sue me for?”

“Not yet, but I’m sure in time you’ll trip up and there will be something we can nail you on.”

“Has your attorney said anything about my blog?”

“Actually, he thinks it’s pretty funny.”

“Really, Paul — if your attorney thinks it’s funny I suggest you find another attorney.”

“Well, I haven’t read it, but I told him that you were definitely not funny. I was married to you and believe me you were not a barrel of laughs.”

“You’re so right. Ours was not a marriage where either one of us laughed.”

“So what are you writing about today — not that I’m going to read it.”

“I know, Paul. We were married for twenty years and you never read anything I wrote. Why was that?”

“Well, I never considered you to be a real writer.”

“No?”

“To me a real writer is someone who gets paid for what they write. Would I be a doctor if no one paid me for my services?”

“So I guess you won’t be interested in reading about my mad, passionate, wildly sex-crazed nights with my refrigerator?”

Paul scratches his head and gives me a critical look. “No wonder no one pays you for what you write. The things you dream up, Joanie — they’re bizarre.”

“Lots of women turn to their refrigerator for love.”

Whenever I tried to explain to Paul why I was so unhappy in our marriage, he would start to play an imaginary violin and sing loudly to drown out my voice.

“Paul. . .”

“What?”

“Play it again.”

“Play what again?”

“You know. Play it again for old time’s sake.”

Paul smiles a sweet disarming smile. It is the same smile Paul used to smile when we first started dating. It used to melt my heart. Dear reader, did I ever tell you that Paul could be so charming when he wanted to be? So very charming. No, I never told you that. I guess there is a lot of things I never told you about Paul.

“Madam’s wish is my command,” Paul says bowing down to me ever so gallantly. He starts playing his imaginary violin and singing.

“Heart and soul, I fell in love with you
Heart and soul, the way a fool would do. . .”

My mind travels back in time to when I first fell in love with Paul. I smile inwardly remembering it all so well. The dreams. The plans. The happy life Paul and I were supposed to share together. We were suppose to grow old together. It was not suppose to end with us divorced. Now another woman shares with Paul the dreams that I once had for us.

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Susie Muckleroy August 9, 2010 at 6:48 pm

OMG! this is the first time I have read any of your blogs, and they are so sad! *but I could not stop reading it*. I remember some time back I was going to read one you posted, (I think link was on Phitter) but I got busy and forgot. THESE are definitely good reads, and I will come back to read some more. I’m so sorry about your bad marriage 🙁

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Name withheld by commentor's request August 9, 2010 at 8:01 pm

So he was in love with another woman and was home trying, unsuccessfully, to have sex with you one last time? Oh, right you were ‘forcing’ yourself on him and he couldn’t defend himself. That woman better watch out, he sounds like very bad news. Once the infatuation wears off and she stops hanging on his every word she is going to be in the same boat you were.

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abadmarriageisfattening November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am

So nice to hear from you! I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are. You would be surprised to know how many readers have emailed me asking about you. They were all touched by your comments and are wishing you well. Please keep us posted.

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abadmarriageisfattening August 9, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Oh Susie, Susie, Susie! Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog — but if you go back and start reading my blog from when I first started writing it, January 1st 2010, you will find that my blogs are not all sad. Honestly. Many of my readers have commented on how humorous my posts are. I hope you will have a chance to stop by tomorrow and read my post, I think that one will make you laugh (hopefully) — well, the ending might be a little sad.

Please don’t feel sorry about my bad marriage. I got a great son out of it and plenty of writing material for a memoir. I have moved on with my life, and my life today is much happier and I am fulfilled doing what I love — writing.

I am writing this blog so that other women might see parts of themselves in me, and hopefully not make the same foolish mistakes as I did. We are put on this earth to learn — and learn I did from my bad marriage.

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DarcsFalcon August 10, 2010 at 1:15 am

Many years ago I read a book called, “Men who hate women and the women who love them.” I think your ex and mine were models, if you will, for the book. I hope you get a chance to check it out. 🙂

Much success!
Vanessa

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abadmarriageisfattening August 10, 2010 at 4:35 am

Vanessa, the book you are referring to “Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why” was written by Dr. Susan Forward and Joan Torres. It was published in 1986 by Bantam Books, and the paperback editions came out in 1987 and 2002. It was a very popular self-help book. I never read the book so I cannot comment about it, but if one googles the title of the book a lot of information will come up about if. Thank you for your comment!

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Susie Muckleroy August 11, 2010 at 2:14 pm

OMG! after reading today’s blog, you had me laughing so hard!
You better believe I’m gonna start from the “front cover” on this, I wish I had when I first knew of it! I would have been up to speed by now. But I will catch up!

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abadmarriageisfattening August 11, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Ohhh, I am so relieved that Susie laughed! Now we all know that Susie Muckleroy has a good sense of humor! 🙂 However, I do want to clear one thing up — Susie was not laughing at this post “Heart and Soul.” Susie did not find this post funny. In her comment above she said, “OMG! This is the first time I have ever read any of your blogs, and they are so sad.” Susie was referring to my following post 8/11/10, “My Mad, Passionate, Wildly Sex-Crazed Nights With My Refrigerator.” That’s the post that made her laugh!

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Jennie August 17, 2010 at 12:05 pm

You *are* a good writer and you *do* have readers! Keep on writing and we’ll keep reading 🙂

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abadmarriageisfattening August 17, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Jennie, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate every reader who takes the time to read my blog. I know that there are millions of blogs that readers can choose to read — so for a reader to choose to follow my blog is an extreme compliment — one which I do not take lightly. So thank you for saying you will keep on reading as long as I keep on writing. Right now I have only posted one other post to read August 10th, “My Mad, Passionate, Wildly Sex-Crazed Nights With My Refrigerator.” It is a repeat of one of my favorites posts — as is this post “Heart and Soul” another favorite post that I am repeating. But if one wants to go into my archives, back to January 1st 2010 when I first started writing this blog, they will have an abundance of posts to read (each one in their own way were my favorite) — and then they will understand what has been happening and it will take them up to the present.

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Lucille October 27, 2010 at 11:37 am

Hi,

I just stopped by for a visit. I must admit that I enjoyed reading your post, the only thing that would have made it more enjoyable would have been a slice of chocolate cake with a scope of ice cream on top from your “man of steel.”

You are a good writer and SHOULD be getting paid for your work. Your blog is well written and entertaining.

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abadmarriageisfattening October 27, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Lucille, I laughed out loud when I read your comment! I’m still laughing at the thought of Paul serving me a slice of chocolate cake with a scope of ice cream on top! Ohhh, that was really funny! You obviously have a great sense of humor. Thank you for all the kind words that you said about my writing. It is music to this writer’s ears!

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katlupe November 23, 2010 at 5:58 pm

I had to come back and re-read this post. I was in this very same boat with my first husband who was much like Paul. We did not have sex for the last 6 years of our time together. Now that he has died and I have talked with his wife, who he left me for, I find out that they had sex only one time in the whole time they were married too! You know what that means don’t you? It wasn’t me! It was him all along. And he was the fat one………not me. I figured if he was fat, ugly and grumpy nobody else would want him………um, I forgot one thing though…MONEY! He had money. I didn’t mean to write such a long comment, but you always make me think!

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